Mental Breakdown of a Girl part 14

My family is here.
in this very room.
smiling at me as i pretend to be texting or doing something less productive than what i'm actually doing.
that would just happen to be blogging via iPod touch.
My Aunt Elly is here without a boyfriend this time around.
My favorite cousin is here along with her, not being forced to endure another one of his mother's boyfriends.
His name is Ryan.
He is 17 and is just as into music and mischief as i am.
It's pretty cool to have somebody you can relate to and talk to twice a year.
That helps alot.
I'm being unbelievably sarcastic, of course, because a prospering hormonal teenage girl like myself needs more than two times a year to dump her feelings on her older cousin.
I better get started on that.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 13

I think that my father has some problems.
I'm not really sure what it is, but i just know there has to be something up mentally.
My momma is signing all of us up for family counseling.
that should be a blast.

George Lopez has been on my mind alot lately.
I haven't seen him in a long time and i think it's time i turn to him for more wisdom and guidance.
George always comes through for me.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 12

I tried SO hard to make this day special.
And who of all people would go and despecialize it?
I busted my ass to have a good additude.
And who busted theirs even harder to turn it around on me?
I had a smile on my face for the longest time since i can remember.
And who, WHO inconsiderately ripped it off my very flesh?
Merry Freakin Christmas.
It tortures me.
I can't handle the shitty excuses and the mindless reason.
It's beyond my comprehention, how someone could be so wicked and vicious.
I'm scarred for life, if not eternity.
She is forever in my debt.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 11

I have been thinking about Jay alot lately.
It might just be the fact that it's Christmas, but i honestly don't know.
I heard that people who loose parents or siblings or ANYONE have a hard time at Christmas,
trying to find something to be happy about.
I don't know if that's my case, but it's the only excuse i have for missing him right now.
It's been a long time.
We have both changed tremendously.
We both know and understand that,
but i haven't spoken to him in what seems like forever and i want to.
I've never really had a need to talk to one specific person before now.
I NEED to hear his voice.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 10

I helped out at my church the other night.
Food Ministries.
Our youth group was helping to pass out hot chocolate to the homeless.
A kid I recognized from my school walked in.
I was about to walk over and ask if he wanted to help pass out the hot chocolate to the homeless until i realized he WAS the homeless.
He was wearing the same hoody he wore every other day.
It was red with a black hood and it had a worn out logo of some sports team faded on the front.
I wondered if that was the only reason i recognized him in the first place.
I would have never guessed that he had no place to live.
No place to call home.
It took me by surprise, but i guess God works in mysterious ways like that.
God was telling me something.
I think he wanted me to do something, to say somthing.
I just couldn't make it out.
Dear God,
Could you speak a wee bit louder, please?
It's hard to hear down here.
with all my love and appreciation,
Mental Breakdown of a Girl.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 9 [questions edition]

Why do i have to rack my brain for the words to say?

Why is it that life can't be a breath of fresh air, a walk in the park, a day at the spa, a piece of pinnapple crunch cake.

Should i get a tatoo?

Should i get a FEW tatoos?

How do i tell my cat i'm gay?

Why did my mother get arrested?

Where can i meet a good man?

Why can't i be my own person?

What do rainbow donuts taste like?

Will i get any taller?

Is having sex in public really illegal?

Can I have Jeffree Star's phone number?

Why am i not photogenic?

What color should i dye my hair next?

What if i don't like that color?

Will you go out with me?

Should i gauge my ears?

What would you do if a giant banana took over the world?

What would Jesus do?

How do i make a kick ass gingerbread house?

Should i party tonight?

How many candycorns would i have to eat before i would gain 5 pounds?

What's Lady GaGa's real name?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 9 [school edition]

I wish I could just run away from it all.
Be myself for a little while.
I get so lost within the walls of my own identity here.
I can't stand to be awake, alive, surrounded by the endless gossip and blanks stares from the ill-minded people of today's "society."
People have always played a leading role in what i think, how i live, who i am...
but lately, being around the few and the relentless is all i can handle right now.
God is guiding me, no, PUSHING me down this path.
THE path.
I'm taking it; racing down it.
I will be the first and only one to get where i'm going because i'm following the road Gad has wound for me.
I refuse to be the next Jonah.
I refuse to refuse God's demands.
I refuse to be eaten by a fish.
I'm headed in the righteous direction.
Where are you headed?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl part 8 1/2 [long time, no blog]

It's been a while.
a week maybe.
I don't really know.
i've been going to church with Chelso TR!Ck and Laina Kay.
I met so many new people that i could really enjoy getting to know.
Justin and Brandon are the pastors kids.
Twins.
Adorable.
It was like an early Christmas present.
Until I met Thomas Scott.
I didn't fall in love.
Love tripped me and laughed its ass off.
It was not pretty.
I was a "hot mess", as Chelso would so genuinely put it.
Why can't George Lopez just sweep me off my feet and be done with it?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part [who cares.]

The Monster has been unleashed.

I repeat.

The Monster has been unleashed.

Yeah.

Unleashing a few years worth of rage on ALL our asses.

What's the deal?

He isn't my father, so why should i fall to his every request?

Because my momma loves him and he really is a good person inside.

I just don't know anymore.

I just dont.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 7

Granted, I should have been a little nicer about it, but she's checking it out.
It's up for discussion, which isn't dead on what I asked for, but it's what i'll deal with.
**************************************************************************
I attended Peabody's Battle of the Bands in Cleveland yesterday.
BEST SATURDAY OF MY LIFE.
<3>
I'm talking to the lead vocalist through myspace as we speak...
metaphorically speaking, of course.
I was inspired.
I'm now ransacking purevolume for potential band members.
I'm determined to be the next Paramore or Hey Monday.
Let you know how THAT works out.
Look at myself, doubting my own mad skills.
Oh, ye of little faith.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 6 [morning edition]

I have discovered Gold.
There's this online public schooling system called Connections Academy.
I want in.
Free.
Curriculum materials provided by the state.
I may not have struck a gold mine, but it's a treasure nonetheless.
I'm printing out a program guide.
Shoving it in my momma's face.
And enrolling a few days after discussion.
There is NO reason at all why i should be denied this one simple request.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 5 [take note]

"There are three things you don't mess with in this world.
Mother nature.
Mother in-laws.
and
Mother freaking Ukrainians."
Wiser words could not have have been expelled from a 400 pound movie character.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 5

I had forgotten the gesture.
I had wiped it clean from my memory after he didn't respond.
I was watching What I Like About You.
Amanda Bynes cracks me up when George Lopez isn't on.
Her new boyfriend was wearing cute little duckie boxers.
It reminded me of someone else i knew who also had cute little duckie boxers.
Jay probably doesn't wear them after two years,
but he had them at one point,
and i knew it,
and the ducks are coming back to haunt me.
Nothing is really a coincidence in my book.
He messaged me.
The ducks show up.
Somebody is trying to tell me something.
subtly.
but they're trying.
I'm crazy.
Loca.
They need to try harder if they're trying to get a message through to ME.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 4

Starting to grab ahold of reality once more.
I'm getting gradually better and school is, in fact, carrying on without my attendance,
whether i like it or not.
So many thoughts have been going through my head.
I better get reading.
I need a good shower.
Where's the remote, i'm going to miss CSI?!
My brain needs a break, as if this past week of endless nothingness was hard on me.
An old friend decided to send me a little hello gesture through myspace today.
It's making me CRAZY-er.
This "old friend", whom i haven't seen or heard from in two years thought it would be cute to show up in my life again after leaving it so abruptly.
Jay Latimir's father died of cardiac arrest a short while after the two of us had decided we were better off as "just friends".
His mother is a mormon and divorced.
He moved to Utah within the next few months and I never heard from him again.
Until now, that is.
RACHEL!!!!!
that's all he typed out and posted on my comment page.
What am i supposed to say to that?
JAYYYY!!!!!
as if it excites me?
It does.
We all know it does.
and that's exactly what i typed and posted on his comment page.
JAYYYY!!!!!
I was only a naive seventh grader, so it's not like i was in love with this kid,
but somebody just up and leaving me like that was NOT something i really wanted to go through again.
So here i am, a highschool freshman, and i'm turning one little gesture into some fairytale.
He comes back for me.
We live happily ever after.
The freaking end, right?
I'll find out.
-Keeping you and I waiting.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 3

As i was sitting through New Moon for the second time, I noticed things that i didn't catch the first time.
It made me wonder how many things in this life i'm missing out on because i never take a second look.
Then i wondered how many other people out there have discovered that same feeling and i feel bad for them,
because i feel their pain, or whatever you call this feeling.
being lost.
wondering.
wandering.
************************************************************
I haven't picked up Twisted since thanksgiving.
That means i won't have time to read it twice,
and i won't have enough journal entries needed to fulfill the requirements of the given assignment.
It's one of those lose:lose situations that nobody can stand.
The wicked witch of the westhallway,
I just made her a WHOLE lot witchier.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 3 [morning edition]

Today is going to be a good day.
I am going to be miserable,
but i'm going to deal,
because that's what i do.
I'm going to walk out that door after putting my EVERYTHING into looking decent and i'm going to do it with a smile on my face.
Today is going to be a VERY good day.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 2

Today seemed short.
PAINFUL,
but short.
I'm still not used to my momma working late hours.
Working at all, actually.
She should come shoveling through the door any minute, begging for some food and space.
Did I mention it's her birthday?
It's the big 45.
We're going to see New Moon tomarrow, despite the fact that i'm a contagious mess.
She's already seen it twice, but it's what she wants.
My momma doesn't ask for alot.
I think i get that from her.
We would be perfectly content with anything and everything you threw our way.
That's one thing i am proud of.
Knowing how to deal.
That's the ideal skill for these times.
Knowing how to deal.
If you can't do that, what can you do, right?
Watch everyone around you get eaten away by their own fear and built up rage.
That's what you can do.
I guess short days call for short blogs, so i think i'll turn in.
Rest.
That sounds good.
Rest.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 1

Another morning alone, staring at the tv screen.
Momma is at work.
The monster is "at work".
I'm still under quarantine, and i'm not getting any better.
The test results won't be in until Monday, with everyone being busy with their families over thanksgiving break and all, but since everyone is so sure i am an infected freak, i'm starting to believe them.
As i was watching Little Miss Sunshine this morning, it made me hungry for more chicken.
The stuff is addicting.
I jumped up for the phone and as i passed the calender, i realized something that kind of pissed me off.
My Uncle Billy's birthday was YESTERDAY.
This whole family cleverly neglected to remind me that my favorite uncle turned a wopping 42 years on Friday.
Despite the fact that he just got out of jail,(again), he is still my favorite relative.
He always tells me EVERYTHING i want to know about my father; the things my mother doesn't want to talk about.
My father, Bruce, and my Uncle Bill were great friends.
I guess, that is, until Uncle Bill got married and officially moved to Florida.
My father and he would visit Florida regularly for their "deliveries", or , at least, that's what i was told.
One time, they got in so much trouble down there, my mom and i had to pack up what we could, sell the rest, and go bail him out of jail.
I guess i remember a little bit, but i was only a few years old.
I ask my mom about it sometimes.
I tell her how i remember she was so mad at my dad, but she did what he told her anyways.
She sais i couldn't remember any of that, because i was WAY to young, but i remember or, at least, i think i do.
My uncle hasn't been here in Ohio for a visit since his divorce 5 years ago.
I haven't talked to him since.
My momma won't tell me exactly where he is.
She sais she would tell me if she knew, but i know she knows and is just trying to keep me safe.
It's different with my father.
I really do believe that she has no clue where he is.
I can't even really decide if i WANT to know where he is; if i WANT to know him.
I was thinking about pulling a Crossroads on my momma, but she means too much to me.
I don't want her to think that she isn't enought for me, because she is more than that.
She is EVERYTHING to me.
And so, my father remains a lifelong mystery to me and now, so does my Uncle Billy.
Damn my craving for chicken wings.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl [thanksgiving edition]

there really is nothing like being quarantined over thanksgiving break.
the family is terrified of the very sight of me.
"OH NO! she's diseased. get her OUT."
and that's perfectly fine with me.
i've got my apple pie.
my hot wings.
George Lopez.
it's all good.
only a few more hours until my family gets back from their SECOND round of thanksgiving dinner without me.
spending commercials reading Twisted for the THIRD time since last christmas, only THIS time it's for a book report.
i guess it would be easy if i felt like writing, but i don't.
so i guess i have to read it yet AGAIN in order to capture my twisted thaughts on paper AS i'm reading the book.
if it's what the wicked witch of the west hallway wants...it's what she'll get.
i'm so thankful that i have
my apple pie.
non stop George Lopez reruns.
a good book.
and the uncanny ability to babble on and on and on about the STUPIDEST of things.
i'm out.
happy thanksgiving.
-girl who can't do anything right to save her life and is having a mental breakdown as we speak so excuse the lame post and get back to your thanksgiving vaca.