Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 17

I'm really making it an effort to blog, blog, blog every day.
Though I have nothing to write about and time, that thing, is laughing at me while it runs out, I'm really trying to beat it.
Well, since I'm thinking about it...
What does a light Christmas mean to you?
(or any other holiday)
It's a new term to me this year that has been eating away at me since I first heard it slip from my momma's mouth last month.
This is also my first Christmas without my grandpa.
He passed away in October and that's part of the reason I have been completely numbing myself and no longer taking account of my surroundings.
I guess I had more time than I thought I did, and look where my thoughts have taken me...
Note to self : learn to shut my trap every once in a while.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 16.5 ( My first post as a 16 year old girl )

My fingers have been itching to say a few words.
They miss the keyboard just as much as I do, yet I do anything that I can to prevent them from speaking.
I've been away for a while, mentally, of course, but I believe that I'm back.
I have a lot to share, but I'm short on time.
That thing, time, It's been getting away from me lately.
I barely have time to breathe, but look forward.
I'll be blogging again soon, and promise to let me fingers do the talking.

Mental Breakdown of a girl Part...It's been so long I can't even remember

There's Something About Mary.
There is just something about this movie that makes me feel sick to my stomach...
And yet, here I am, in my living room, bag of chips in hand, watching the very movie that sucks the health out of me.
Have you ever shared something with someone who isn't a part of your life anymore?...
so you affiliate yourself with that one thing in order to feel like that person is still with you...
but instead, you feel like what's left of your heart is being ripped out of your chest as you watch what could have been slam the door in your face?
Some would call it self-mutilation.
Now that i'm thinking about it intensely...I can't imagine what else you would call that.
So, i guess my point of this is that I wonder often if that's normal, if people put themselves in situations of pure torture and if there is some sort of logic reasoning behind it.
Is there an answer to everything or is this unexplainable?
Is this type of mindset common or am I really a mental breakdown of a girl?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 15 [Falling]

You might not wanna play that song
'cause if you do i might just lose it all
You're half way through; I'm about to crack
these tears just won't stop breaking down the wall

They don't understand that i can't have you see me crying
They don't understand that i can't even say goodbye yet

I'm holding on so tightly; i just keep falling
I'm having these dreams nightly; i just keep falling

Wake me up so I'll stop falling

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 15 [Dec. 27, 2009]

There's a possibility.
There's a possibility.
There is always a line of endless possibility.
In any situation you have to take a moment to stop and think about all the possibilities.
All the different ways things could happen as a result of one decision.
Things can change in an instant.
It's quite crazy when you think about it.
My choice to skip breakfast this morning could have a massive effect on how my math grade looks at the end of my junior year.
Although unlikely, you never REALLY know.
That's what sucks about society.
People are so naturally knowledge thirsty, it pisses the hell out of them when they are lacking the information of something as simple as that.
What pisses me off the most is that people always think there has to be some scientific reasoning to EVERYTHING.
Whatever helps them on judgment day, i guess.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl part 14

My family is here.
in this very room.
smiling at me as i pretend to be texting or doing something less productive than what i'm actually doing.
that would just happen to be blogging via iPod touch.
My Aunt Elly is here without a boyfriend this time around.
My favorite cousin is here along with her, not being forced to endure another one of his mother's boyfriends.
His name is Ryan.
He is 17 and is just as into music and mischief as i am.
It's pretty cool to have somebody you can relate to and talk to twice a year.
That helps alot.
I'm being unbelievably sarcastic, of course, because a prospering hormonal teenage girl like myself needs more than two times a year to dump her feelings on her older cousin.
I better get started on that.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 13

I think that my father has some problems.
I'm not really sure what it is, but i just know there has to be something up mentally.
My momma is signing all of us up for family counseling.
that should be a blast.

George Lopez has been on my mind alot lately.
I haven't seen him in a long time and i think it's time i turn to him for more wisdom and guidance.
George always comes through for me.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 12

I tried SO hard to make this day special.
And who of all people would go and despecialize it?
I busted my ass to have a good additude.
And who busted theirs even harder to turn it around on me?
I had a smile on my face for the longest time since i can remember.
And who, WHO inconsiderately ripped it off my very flesh?
Merry Freakin Christmas.
It tortures me.
I can't handle the shitty excuses and the mindless reason.
It's beyond my comprehention, how someone could be so wicked and vicious.
I'm scarred for life, if not eternity.
She is forever in my debt.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 11

I have been thinking about Jay alot lately.
It might just be the fact that it's Christmas, but i honestly don't know.
I heard that people who loose parents or siblings or ANYONE have a hard time at Christmas,
trying to find something to be happy about.
I don't know if that's my case, but it's the only excuse i have for missing him right now.
It's been a long time.
We have both changed tremendously.
We both know and understand that,
but i haven't spoken to him in what seems like forever and i want to.
I've never really had a need to talk to one specific person before now.
I NEED to hear his voice.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 10

I helped out at my church the other night.
Food Ministries.
Our youth group was helping to pass out hot chocolate to the homeless.
A kid I recognized from my school walked in.
I was about to walk over and ask if he wanted to help pass out the hot chocolate to the homeless until i realized he WAS the homeless.
He was wearing the same hoody he wore every other day.
It was red with a black hood and it had a worn out logo of some sports team faded on the front.
I wondered if that was the only reason i recognized him in the first place.
I would have never guessed that he had no place to live.
No place to call home.
It took me by surprise, but i guess God works in mysterious ways like that.
God was telling me something.
I think he wanted me to do something, to say somthing.
I just couldn't make it out.
Dear God,
Could you speak a wee bit louder, please?
It's hard to hear down here.
with all my love and appreciation,
Mental Breakdown of a Girl.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 9 [questions edition]

Why do i have to rack my brain for the words to say?

Why is it that life can't be a breath of fresh air, a walk in the park, a day at the spa, a piece of pinnapple crunch cake.

Should i get a tatoo?

Should i get a FEW tatoos?

How do i tell my cat i'm gay?

Why did my mother get arrested?

Where can i meet a good man?

Why can't i be my own person?

What do rainbow donuts taste like?

Will i get any taller?

Is having sex in public really illegal?

Can I have Jeffree Star's phone number?

Why am i not photogenic?

What color should i dye my hair next?

What if i don't like that color?

Will you go out with me?

Should i gauge my ears?

What would you do if a giant banana took over the world?

What would Jesus do?

How do i make a kick ass gingerbread house?

Should i party tonight?

How many candycorns would i have to eat before i would gain 5 pounds?

What's Lady GaGa's real name?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 9 [school edition]

I wish I could just run away from it all.
Be myself for a little while.
I get so lost within the walls of my own identity here.
I can't stand to be awake, alive, surrounded by the endless gossip and blanks stares from the ill-minded people of today's "society."
People have always played a leading role in what i think, how i live, who i am...
but lately, being around the few and the relentless is all i can handle right now.
God is guiding me, no, PUSHING me down this path.
THE path.
I'm taking it; racing down it.
I will be the first and only one to get where i'm going because i'm following the road Gad has wound for me.
I refuse to be the next Jonah.
I refuse to refuse God's demands.
I refuse to be eaten by a fish.
I'm headed in the righteous direction.
Where are you headed?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl part 8 1/2 [long time, no blog]

It's been a while.
a week maybe.
I don't really know.
i've been going to church with Chelso TR!Ck and Laina Kay.
I met so many new people that i could really enjoy getting to know.
Justin and Brandon are the pastors kids.
Twins.
Adorable.
It was like an early Christmas present.
Until I met Thomas Scott.
I didn't fall in love.
Love tripped me and laughed its ass off.
It was not pretty.
I was a "hot mess", as Chelso would so genuinely put it.
Why can't George Lopez just sweep me off my feet and be done with it?

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part [who cares.]

The Monster has been unleashed.

I repeat.

The Monster has been unleashed.

Yeah.

Unleashing a few years worth of rage on ALL our asses.

What's the deal?

He isn't my father, so why should i fall to his every request?

Because my momma loves him and he really is a good person inside.

I just don't know anymore.

I just dont.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 7

Granted, I should have been a little nicer about it, but she's checking it out.
It's up for discussion, which isn't dead on what I asked for, but it's what i'll deal with.
**************************************************************************
I attended Peabody's Battle of the Bands in Cleveland yesterday.
BEST SATURDAY OF MY LIFE.
<3>
I'm talking to the lead vocalist through myspace as we speak...
metaphorically speaking, of course.
I was inspired.
I'm now ransacking purevolume for potential band members.
I'm determined to be the next Paramore or Hey Monday.
Let you know how THAT works out.
Look at myself, doubting my own mad skills.
Oh, ye of little faith.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 6 [morning edition]

I have discovered Gold.
There's this online public schooling system called Connections Academy.
I want in.
Free.
Curriculum materials provided by the state.
I may not have struck a gold mine, but it's a treasure nonetheless.
I'm printing out a program guide.
Shoving it in my momma's face.
And enrolling a few days after discussion.
There is NO reason at all why i should be denied this one simple request.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 5 [take note]

"There are three things you don't mess with in this world.
Mother nature.
Mother in-laws.
and
Mother freaking Ukrainians."
Wiser words could not have have been expelled from a 400 pound movie character.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 5

I had forgotten the gesture.
I had wiped it clean from my memory after he didn't respond.
I was watching What I Like About You.
Amanda Bynes cracks me up when George Lopez isn't on.
Her new boyfriend was wearing cute little duckie boxers.
It reminded me of someone else i knew who also had cute little duckie boxers.
Jay probably doesn't wear them after two years,
but he had them at one point,
and i knew it,
and the ducks are coming back to haunt me.
Nothing is really a coincidence in my book.
He messaged me.
The ducks show up.
Somebody is trying to tell me something.
subtly.
but they're trying.
I'm crazy.
Loca.
They need to try harder if they're trying to get a message through to ME.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 4

Starting to grab ahold of reality once more.
I'm getting gradually better and school is, in fact, carrying on without my attendance,
whether i like it or not.
So many thoughts have been going through my head.
I better get reading.
I need a good shower.
Where's the remote, i'm going to miss CSI?!
My brain needs a break, as if this past week of endless nothingness was hard on me.
An old friend decided to send me a little hello gesture through myspace today.
It's making me CRAZY-er.
This "old friend", whom i haven't seen or heard from in two years thought it would be cute to show up in my life again after leaving it so abruptly.
Jay Latimir's father died of cardiac arrest a short while after the two of us had decided we were better off as "just friends".
His mother is a mormon and divorced.
He moved to Utah within the next few months and I never heard from him again.
Until now, that is.
RACHEL!!!!!
that's all he typed out and posted on my comment page.
What am i supposed to say to that?
JAYYYY!!!!!
as if it excites me?
It does.
We all know it does.
and that's exactly what i typed and posted on his comment page.
JAYYYY!!!!!
I was only a naive seventh grader, so it's not like i was in love with this kid,
but somebody just up and leaving me like that was NOT something i really wanted to go through again.
So here i am, a highschool freshman, and i'm turning one little gesture into some fairytale.
He comes back for me.
We live happily ever after.
The freaking end, right?
I'll find out.
-Keeping you and I waiting.

Mental Breakdown of a Girl Part 3

As i was sitting through New Moon for the second time, I noticed things that i didn't catch the first time.
It made me wonder how many things in this life i'm missing out on because i never take a second look.
Then i wondered how many other people out there have discovered that same feeling and i feel bad for them,
because i feel their pain, or whatever you call this feeling.
being lost.
wondering.
wandering.
************************************************************
I haven't picked up Twisted since thanksgiving.
That means i won't have time to read it twice,
and i won't have enough journal entries needed to fulfill the requirements of the given assignment.
It's one of those lose:lose situations that nobody can stand.
The wicked witch of the westhallway,
I just made her a WHOLE lot witchier.